


Black Magic Women

by HazelWitch81



Category: Futurama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-19
Updated: 2014-09-19
Packaged: 2018-02-18 01:18:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2329943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HazelWitch81/pseuds/HazelWitch81
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Are Leela and Amy desendents of Penn and Teller?  The Planet Express Crew go to a planet where witches, ghosts, and magic rules. Evil witches kidnap the men.  That's when Leela and Amy step in. All is not lost to them because Leela and Amy know some magic.    Will Fry, Bender, Hermes, and Zoidberg get rescued from those sadistic witches?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Black Magic Women

Futurama

 

Opening Credits Scene:

 

Where witchy women have the moon in their eyes.

 

Screen: Ren and Stimpy.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Chapter One:

 

The Planet Express ship is about to take off as the Professor sees them off.

 

Farnsworth: And don't come back!

 

Leela: Okay, Bender. Buckle us in.

 

Bender pulls down a lever lap belts strap everyone down tightly.

 

Bender: I hope we won't be doing any lame public service announcements about this.

 

Leela: Hell, no. Who do you think we are? The Flintstone Kids? (notices her seat belt is tight) Bender! Loosen this now!

 

Everyone else's seat belt were tight on them as well.

 

Hermes: Bender, you sadist!

 

Zoidberg: How the hell are we supposed to pee?

 

Bender: Sorry, chumps! But only I'm free to move about the cabin! (laughs)

 

The ship takes off and Bender sits next to Fry who's in a booster seat and is wearing a blue and yellow checkboard patterned short sleeved shirt, purple cargo pants and brown velcro hiker boots.

 

Fry: You strapped me down the tightest! Bad enough I have to be in this booster seat!

 

Bender: You're in that boost seat because you're skinny! (singing to the tune of Who's the Lady): Who's the skinny? Who's that skinny! Wears a size three! Who's that skinny!

 

Amy: We're going to a magic planet called Deception! Always loved magic tricks, even know some.

 

Leela: I did some magic tricks when I was at the Orphaniruim. Thought it would win me some friends.

 

Bender: I hope we don't run into Doug Henning's head.

 

Zoidberg: Hey, don't diss Doug Henning! I like him!

 

Hermes: Yeah, you would.

 

Fry: Anyone have to pee? I do.

 

Hermes: Okay everyone, unzip your flies.

 

Everyone expect Fry manages to unzip their flies and urinate. Fry peed in his pants.

 

Bender (laughing): Fry peed in his pants! Not only does he need a booster seat, he needs Depends!

 

Leela: Thanks a lot for strapping us down, Bender. Now the whole ship smells like pee!

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Chapter Two: 

 

The PE Ship lands on the planet Deception. They have to deliver some magic supplies to a witch.

 

Bender: I'll clean this up! Abracadabrah! Slippity Slam! Let it be, mop up this pee!

 

They all walk up to a castle. Also, they notice witches and ghosts are inhabinants on this planet. The castle is on top of a mountain overlooking an ocean with waves crashing into some rocks.

 

Fry: I hope these witches don't snu-snu us.

 

Zoidberg: They're not from Eastwick, that's for sure.

 

Bender goes up to Leela and pretends to do a spell.

 

Bender: Abracadabrah! Slippety Slam! Turn this one eye into two!

 

Leela: Please Bender! This is no time to be stupid!

 

Fry: Do one on me!

 

Bender: Abracadabrah! Slippety Slam! Turn this skinny into fat! imitates buzz Oh, no! I messed it up!

 

Fry: What happened?

 

Bender: You used to be 90 pounds! You're down the 50 pounds now! (laughs) You believe anything anyone tells you!

 

Hermes: We're here everyone.

 

Zoidberg knocks on the door and a witch answers. Her name is Susie Pallen. She's tall and has red skin and wears a witches hat, glasses and a black gown.

 

Susie (evilly kind): Come in ladies and gentlemen. Come in!

 

Everyone enters the castle.

 

Susie: These people are here to see you.

 

On a throne appears the head witch. Who's name is Christie Donelle. She's a bit taller than Susie and has green skin, and wears a veil with her witches hat and a necklace with a pentagram on it.

 

Christie: Intruders! What do you want?

 

Amy (holds a package): We came here to deliver these magic supplies.

 

Leela: We're from earth, will you accept our offer?

 

Bender (blows raspberry) Why do I get the feeling something bad is going to happen?

 

Christie: No! We here at Deception accept no gifts from intruders from other planets!

 

Zoidberg: Bender, you must be psychic!

 

Susie: What should we do, boss?

 

Fry (shaking timidly) Oooooh, what are they going to do? Witches scare me!

 

Christie: We are taking the men and holding them prisoner. Guards, seize them!

 

A bunch of bats come and carry away Fry, Bender, Hermes, and Zoidberg.

 

Bender: You can't do this to me! You can't do this to me! Nobody messes with Bender and gets away with it!

 

Zoidberg: Woop! Woop! Woop! Woop! Woop! Woop! Woop!

 

Hermes: Sweet orange trees of Tallahassee!!!!

 

Fry: Leela! Help! You're my only hope!

 

Leela: What are you going to do with us?

 

Amy: Have you been watching The Wuzzles or something?

 

Christie: You two are hereby banished and never to return to my kingdom again. If you do return, I'll do all I can to elimanate you!

 

Christie and Susie laugh evilly as they throw Leela and Amy out of their castle.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Chapter Three:

 

As Leela and Amy are thrown out of the castle, they land in an underground lair. There they see withces brewing up potions and doing magic. They meet a good witch named Gilda. Who was blond and had white skin and a blue gown.

 

Gilda: Greetings. I am Gilda. I lead an underground club against Christie Donelle.

 

Leela: So there's good witches here.

 

Amy: We need all the help we can get. Our male friends got kidnapped!

 

Gilda: I'll be happy to help. But first, do you know any magic?

 

Leela: Actually we do.

 

Amy: I grew up doing it, and my sorority does it a lot.

 

Gilda: Come follow me.

 

Gilda leads them to a store.

 

Gilda: First, you'll need an invisibility spell.

 

Leela: We know how to use that.

 

Gilda: And you'll need this pot and a spell of nitro glycerine.

 

Amy: Spwow!

 

Gilda: And a spell of super speed, and finally, a spell that turns liquid into snow.

 

Gilda gives Leela and Amy the vials of the spells. Also she hands them brooms and magic wands.

 

Leela: We'll need these to fly, right?

 

Gilda: Exactly. But they possess unimaginable powers! Useful against Christie Donelle when the time comes to meet her!

 

Amy: Excellent! Thank you very much. We'll we have to pay for these?

 

Gilda: No. Absolutely not. Money doesn't exist here. Good bye and good luck.

 

Leela: We're going now. Thank you for the spells. Come on, Amy! Let's so save those wimpy male friends of ours.

 

Amy: I'm with you, dude!

 

Leela and Amy head back to the castle and get out of the underground club via a ladder.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Chapter 4: 

 

Meanwhile in Christie Donelle's castle, Fry, Bender, Hermes, and Zoidberg are locked in a dungeon. Fry, Hermes, and Zoidberg are knocked out cold. They're all in laser cuffs and in leg irons that have a ball and chain attached.

 

Bender: Godammit! This always happens! Everyone passes out except me! Especially when we party!

 

Bender tries to wake up Fry.

 

Bender Yo! Skintube! Scrawny! Bean pole! Skeleton man! Wake up!

 

Fry (wakes up): Hmmm, this is the best sleep I've ever had. Where am I? Where's my plush elephant Taylor, the one Leela won for me at the space carnival?

 

Bender: We're in a dungeon! And look at this bling bling! (shows Fry is chains)

 

Fry (gasps): Oh no! Get me out of them, Bender!

 

Bender: I tried. I can't. These witches have some powerful force on them

 

Hermes and Zoidberg start to wake up.

 

Zoidberg: Oh, my gosh! We're in jail! Just like in that Ernest movie!

 

Hermes: We're not in jail, we've been captured.

 

Fry (tries to pick up us ball chain): It's heavy. Can't pick it up!

 

Bender: I wonder why that is.....

 

Susie Pallen comes to the dungeon.

 

Fry: I guess we'll have to wait for Leela and Amy to come save us. (sighs) Once Leela comes to our rescue, I'm going to kiss her......

 

Bender: No way! I'll save us!

 

Hermes: Bender! You don't know any magic!

 

Bender: Magic Schmagic!

 

Bender starts twirling around his ball chain.

 

Bender: I'm turning you into a sand-wich! Ha! Ha! Ha! You witches can bite my shiny metal.....

 

Susie uses a magic wand on Bender that sends him flying into a wall. Fry and Zoidberg scream!

 

Susie: Defiant robot, eh? We captured you men so we can eat you! (Looks at Hermes and Zoidberg) Since you're both fat, we'll have plenty of leftovers. (walks in and sees Fry) You're a skinny one, maybe we'll use you for flavoring.

 

Fry (voice breaking): You'll never get away with this.... Leela and Amy will.....

 

Susie: Shut up, men! And follow me! (picks up Bender)

 

Bender: Get your paws off me you damn dirty witch!

 

Fry, Hermes, and Zoidberg follow Susie to their doom, while carrying their ball chains. Susie was carrying Bender who was carrying Fry's ball chain.

 

Susie: Dead men walking! And don't forget to vote for me in 3012!

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Chapter 5:

 

Leela and Amy return to the castle. Christie and Susie were watching them from a viewscreen in their laboratory.

 

Christie: So, those bitches are back for more punishment. (calls out her witch and ghost armies): Witch and Ghosts attack!

 

Amy: The boys must be in one of these rooms.

 

Leela: (sees the witch and ghost armies): Guess it will have to wait.

 

The witch and ghost armies turned invisible and started attacking them.

 

Leela: Now's the time for invisibility!

 

Amy: We can't see them, but they can't see us.

 

Leela and Amy (holding the vial and using a magic wand): By the power vested in me, grant us invisibility!

 

They are now inivisible, but transparent.

 

Leela: Just like Jessica Alba when she played Sue Storm.

 

Amy: Let's get them!

 

Leela and Amy fought off the witches and ghosts. They even used their flying brooms to get to the ones that are flying. One by one, all the ghosts and witches were defeated and the spell wore off.

 

Amy: Yes! That was so cool!

 

Leela: We kicked some witchly and ghostly ass! Fry and Bender never would've made it!

 

Amy: They'd be bumbling about it!

 

They both laugh.

 

Christie (watching through the viewscreen): DAMMIT!! THEY MADE IT!

 

Susie (walking in): I got an idea? Let's send SoapSuds after them!

 

Christie: Excellent Susie! After all you are a former governeor!

 

SoapSuds was a gorilla who was in a cage. Christie unlocked the cage.

 

Christie: Soapsuds! Go destroy that cyclops and that fleece clad bimbo!

 

SoapSuds affirms and goes downstairs.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Chapter Six:

 

Leela and Amy were walking around the castle looking for Fry, Bender, Hermes, and Zoidberg.

 

Leela: Fry?! Bender?!

 

Amy: Hermes?! Zoidberg?!

 

SoapSuds the Gorilla comes up from behind them.

 

Leela: Who's behind us? The Predator?

 

They both look at the gorilla and scream.

 

Amy: That's a chiminee chimpanzee!

 

Leela: That's no chimp, you ditz! That's a gorilla!

 

SoapSuds chases Leela and Amy until they go into a room. In the room, they see skeletons playing chess.

 

Skeleton #1: C'mon! Move! Don't just sit there like you're dead!

 

Skeleton #2 (moves a chess piece): Get outta here, girls! You're bothering me!

 

Leela: We're not scared of you! If anything you're bothering us!

 

Amy: So, _you_ get out!

 

The two skeletons break into pieces and scream. They leave the room and get out the pot. They put the vial on nitro glycerine in it.

 

Leela: Time for some strategic ops!

 

Amy: Don't know what that means.

 

Leela and Amy stir up the nitro glycerine with their magic wands. They also add geckos, leechs, roaches, frogs tongue, and snake guts.

 

Leela and Amy: Double, double, toil and trouble! Gorilla must explode right on the double!

 

They put the pot out for SoapSuds and call him.

 

Leela: Oh, Mr. Gorilla! We have some yummy and delicious banana stew for you!

 

Amy: Come and get it! Come and get it! You'll be sorry!

 

SoapSuds comes to where the pot is and his eyes come out of his sockets.

 

SoapSuds: FOOOOOODDDDDD!!!!!!

 

SoapSuds eats the nitro glycerine. Leela and Amy hold signs that have a screw and a ball on it, and another with some fruit and a cake on it. SoapSuds was done eating and tried to attack them again.

 

Amy: That's all there is! There isn't anymore.

 

Leela: Here's some desert (karate kicks the gorilla) Hee-ya!

 

SoapSuds explodes into pieces.

 

Amy: We got the ape man!

 

Leela: Let's so try to find our friends.

 

Amy (in Cantonese): Ain't I a stinker?

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Chapter Seven:

 

As Leela and Amy fly on their magic brooms to look through the castle. They still see no sign of Fry, Bender, Hermes, and Zoidberg.

 

Amy: We make better witches than those ones on Charmed.

 

Leela: I agree. Those witches were whores.

 

Leela and Amy stopped flying on their brooms and went into a room on the 50th floor.

 

Amy: They must be in here....

 

The door closes on them and a green slimy monster comes their way.

 

Amy: This is really turning into 'one of those days', huh?

 

Leela: Well, you Hermes, and Zoidberg don't usually come with us on missions. (holds the vial with the super speed spell). Hold on Amy, we're about to become Jackie Joyner Kersee!

 

Leela and Amy: We feel the need! The need for super speed!

 

They both used their magic wands on the vial and now they're both in a bubble running at super speeds. They use their speed to run into the mouth of the green monster and run out the other end!

 

Green Monster: Where's an Alka Sletzer when you need one?

 

Then the green monster becomes staticky and melty. The spell wore off.

 

Amy: Spleesh! How did you know that thing was robotic?

 

Leela: Woman's intuition, Amy.

 

Right when they were about to leave, an organ in the room was playing by itself.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Chapter Eight:

 

The organ was playing the Addams Family theme song. Leela and Amy get a better look at it. It's a man who's head is in a jar and has robotic hands playing the organ.

 

Amy: Never seen him before, who is he?

 

Leela: It's Glenn Beck's head. He had his own show on FOX News 5000.

 

Amy: That crazy dude who bashes presidents?

 

Leela: Exactly.

 

Glenn Beck's head (singing): I'm Wonderful and Cool! My friends swim in my pool! I live right down from the hall! I'm at your Back and Call! I eat pudding! (2 snaps) Write on my board! (2 snaps) I act funny! (2 snaps) Hate College Students (2 snaps)

 

Leela slams the keys on the organ.

 

Glenn Beck's head: Hey! You ruined my song!

 

Leela: We want to ask you a few questions!

 

Glenn Beck's head: I don't have to answer anything! I'll drink again before I do that!

 

Amy: You hate college students? I'm one, do you hate me?

 

Glenn Beck's head: I don't even know you......Okay, you got me, I give in.

 

Leela: Where can we find Christie Donelle?

 

Amy: What has she done to our friends?

 

Glenn Beck's head: You can find her on the top floor of this castle. And she plans to eat your friends.

 

Then he tries to tell his life story.

 

Glenn Beck's head (crying): I came to this planet because I got banished from FOX News 5000 for bashing President Nixon's head. Then I came here to the planet Deception and supported Christie Donelle and Susie Pallen. I didn't know they were evil I swear.....

 

Amy: We didn't want to hear that!

 

Glenn Beck's head: Well, you heard it anyway. Want to know why? Because I'm Glenn Beck! (repeats 10+ times)

 

Leela puts a white blanket over Glenn Beck's head.

 

Leela: Shut up! No wonder FOX News 5000 didn't like you. Come on, Amy! Let's go!

 

Amy and Leela jump on their brooms and head for the top floor.

 

Glenn Beck's head: Wait! Wait! Come back! I can't breathe! Wait a minute! I can breathe! (in singsong voice) I can breathe! I can breathe! I can breathe! I can breathe!

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Chapter Nine:

 

Song: Abandoned Pools: Armed To The Teeth plays

 

Leela and Amy reach the top floor to Christie Donelle's laboratory.

 

Leela: Christie Donelle! You are surrounded! Come out with your hands up!

 

Amy: Reveal yourself now!

 

Christie and Susie both come out.

 

Christie: Hello, cyclops and bimbo. Welcome to my laboratory lair. Ready to die?

 

Leela: Where are our friends?

 

Susie pulls down a lever and the floor in front of them turns into boiling oil.

 

Christie: Susie! Pull the other lever.

 

Susie pulls down another lever and down comes two human sized birdcages. Fry and Bender were in the one on the left, and Hermes and Zoidberg were in the one on the right. They were all bound and gagged.

 

Amy: Oh, my splosh!

 

Christie: One step closer and I'll drop them!

 

Fry, Bender, Hermes, and Zoidberg let out muffled screams in protest.

 

Leela (gets out her broom): We're here to stop you and that's what we're going to do!

 

Christie (gets out her broom): Bring it on! Susie! Get that fleece cladded bimbo!

 

Leela and Christie get into an intense magic fight and even beat each other up. Susie chases Amy.

 

Amy: Try and get me. (sees a laboratory set) Splay! That's a weird way to make tea!

 

Susie: Oh, it's not tea, it's.......hey! Wait a minute!

 

The cages Fry, Bender, Hermes, and Zoidberg were in where slowly lowering into the oil. Then a phone rings.

 

Amy (answering the phone): Hello? Yes? She's right here! (hands phone to Susie): It's for you!

 

Susie: Thank you, hello?

 

Amy: Goodbye! (uses her broom to turn Susie into a frog)

 

Susie: ribbit! ribbit! ribbit!

 

Leela (fighting Christie): Good work, Amy!

 

Leela overpowers Christie with a back flip kick that knocks her to the ground. Leela and Amy both aim their brooms at her.

 

Christie: No! No! Please don't kill me! Listen to your heart.

 

Leela: How do you like that? She's quoting Miller's Crossing.

 

Amy: Surrender!

 

Christie: Never! I will rule Deception forever! Then I'll be head of the votes in 3012!

 

Leela: Okay, then you'll leave us no choice!

 

Leela and Amy both zap their brooms at Christie until she melts into a puddle.

 

Christie (melting and her voice distorting): The.... Rent.... Is.... Too... Damn... High.....

 

Leela and Amy (high fiving each other): Yes! Girls Rule!

 

Amy: Eeeeek!! Our friends will be boiled!

 

Leela (takes out a vial): Not if I can help it.

 

Leela throws the vial that turns liquid into snow and uses her magic wand. The oil is now snow. Fry, Bender, Hermes, and Zoidberg land in it and are relieved.

 

Fry and Bender (muffled): Untie us! Get us out of here!

 

Hermes and Zoidberg (muffled): Us, too! I hate being tied up next to Zoidberg!

 

Leela and Amy open the cages and ungag them.

 

Zoidberg: Second time ever, my life was saved by snow. But that is a different story.

 

Amy: Hold still boys.

 

Leela unties Fry and Bender while Amy unties Hermes and Zoidberg.

 

Bender: We thought we were going to die!

 

Fry (hyperventilating): Leela! Oh, you both saved our lives!

 

All the men sob uncontrollably. Even Bender.

 

Leela: It's all over now, it's all over.

 

Hermes (crying): I want to go back home to LaBarbra and have her make me my manwichs!

 

Zoidberg (crying): They tortured us with magic tricks!

 

Bender (crying): They even hurt me, Bender! I never felt so helpless in my life!

 

Fry (crying and hugging Leela): Please, get us out of here.

 

Amy: I hate to see grown men cry.

 

Leela: I'll bring the ship here.

 

Song Ends

 

Leela presses a button on her wristband and the ship flies to the top floor of the castle. Everyone boarded.

 

Fry (crying): They wanted to eat us, and use me for flavoring because I'm skinny!

 

Bender (crying): I'll never get over this! Never!

 

Zoidberg (crying): Neither will I!

 

Hermes (crying): They said me and Zoidberg were so fat, they'll save us for leftovers.

 

Leela and Amy buckled Fry, Bender, Hermes, and Zoidberg into their seats and the PE Ship took off for Earth.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Chapter 10 Conclusion:

 

The last 2 mintues of Neil Young's Hey, Hey My, My (Out Of the Blue) plays.

 

Back on Earth at Taco Bellvue Hospital Fry, Bender, Hermes, and Zoidberg were all in the truama ward. They were all comatose and orderlies are putting them all in hospital pajamas made out of baby blankets. Once the orderlies were done, they leave. Farnsworth, Leela, and Amy are on the scene. Farnsworth had a memory erasing device, and all the men had electrodes attached to their heads.

 

Leela: How long are they supposed to be in those comas?

 

Farnsworth: I purposely put them in comas so I can erase their memory of the planet Deception. They'll be back to normal in a week and a half. Once they wake up, they won't remember a thing that happened.

 

Amy: They were all deeply truamtized about it. Even Bender was crying. It's not like Bender to be truamitized.

 

Farnsworth turned up the memory erasing device.

 

Farnsworth: There! Done! (detaching electrodes) You girls however, I'm very proud of the way you handled things there. In fact I'm giving you both a week off and a raise! (leaves the truama ward)

 

Leela: Thank you Professor.

 

Amy: Thank you, that is so cool! Say, Leela. Would you like to go to a Sex and the City party at Kappa Kappa Wong?

 

Leela: I'd love to. Just give me a minute.

 

Amy: Sure, I'll wait for you.

 

Leela goes up to Fry's bed and gives him his plush elephant Taylor and puts it under his arm.

 

Leela (kisses Fry): Rest well, and get better soon. See you in a week. Goodbye.

 

Leela walks out of the truama ward to join Amy. Then Fry openes his eyes and wakes up for four seconds with a smile on his face.

 

Fry (whispers): I love you, Leela. (falls back to sleep)

 

Song Ends.

 

THE END

 

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